Shame & Chronic Shame

Shame can be crippling. It keeps many people from pursuing their dreams, reaching their potential, or living life fully. It often fuels addictions and unhealthy coping strategies — which in turn create even more shame.

Shame is often confused with guilt, but they are very different:

• Guilt says: “I did something wrong.”

• Shame says: “There is something wrong with me.”

Unlike guilt, which can motivate repair or change, shame attacks our very sense of self.

Where Shame Comes From

For many, shame takes root in childhood. Caregivers, parents, or authority figures may project their own shame onto us. As children, we internalize these painful messages — and because we don’t yet have the ability to question them, we accept them as truth. Over time, these beliefs become part of the way we see ourselves.

Shame thrives in silence and isolation. It convinces us that if others truly saw us, they would reject us. So we hide — and in hiding, shame grows stronger.

The Effects of Chronic Shame

• Loneliness and isolation

• Self-criticism and perfectionism

• Addiction and compulsive behaviours

• Fear of vulnerability and intimacy

• Difficulty pursuing goals or believing in personal worth

Counselling for Shame

In counselling, we create a safe, compassionate, and confidential space where shame can be spoken out loud. Sharing your story with someone who responds with empathy begins to break the cycle of isolation.

Together, we can begin to sort out:

• What is true about you, and

• What painful messages were never yours to carry in the first place.

This process creates room for self-acceptance and allows healthier patterns to take root.

Approaches That Help

Research shows that shame can be addressed effectively through a number of therapeutic approaches, often in combination:

• Compassion-Focused Therapy (CFT)
  Helps replace harsh self-criticism with compassion, self-kindness, and a more balanced perspective.

• EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)

  Can help process early memories of shaming experiences so they lose their emotional grip.

• Somatic Approaches
  Because shame is felt in the body (head down, shoulders slumped, urge to withdraw), approaches like Somatic Experiencing help release shame that is held physically.

• Narrative Therapy
  Supports you in rewriting the “story” you carry about yourself, challenging shame-based beliefs.

• Group or Supportive Relationships
  Since shame thrives in secrecy, connection with others who can meet you with empathy is a powerful antidote.

Moving Out of Shame

Shame tells us we are broken and unworthy of love. The reality is that shame itself is the wound. It’s not you. With support, you can begin to live more fully, reconnect with others, and embrace a sense of worth that shame has long obscured.